Mister President!!!!

Sure, sure: I know what you're thinking: it's 2008 and the hooligan is reviewing 24: how up to date is this? Well, the *idea* is that eventually this stuff gets pushed right down the page, ya know. Before I can get up-to-date with broadcasting my unsolicited halfassed opinions, I have to be out-of-date first. A canon of work, you know.

And to be fair, the show fascinates me. Yes I'm going to use the word Zeitgeist; not that I feel that this series - which before you ask I honestly think is fifth rate trash - reflects anything more than the usual pandering to morons, but because it seems to sum up *all* of the moron-pandering in american TV. 

Keifer Sutherland is actually a very good actor with real screen presence, and that's the last of the non-derisive comments I have to make. When this show started, I kind of watched in a distracted way, marvelling at the high camp garbola, and the lameness of it all. And then, as the series progressed and became - no mean feat - actually *less* believable, I came to love it as pure unadulterated rubbish: it makes me laugh a lot, which is more than can be said for most comedies, so it's worth a mention.

Jack Bauer, however, is a fool of comic proportions. And like all of his incompetent workmates, he is probably the most amusing security risk on two legs: so perhaps in that sense (overpaid, overdressed idiots shagging each other in server rooms that look like nightclub toilets) it does in fact dish the real dirt on america's war on terror, and why it costs so damn much and achieves so damn little.

And it's a handy series, too. What passes for "labyrinthine plot twists" is actually a story that repeats itself every four hours: whoever is great in hour one, will be revealed as evil by hour 5,  be the lesser of two evils by hour ten, be a saint by hour 15, will give their life for america by hour 20, and then will turn out to be still alive and *behind everything* by hour 24. This is not climactic, this is like watching your clothes dry in a tumble dryer: "oh look! My socks are on top! Oh wait, now they're on the bottom! Oh look! They're off again...." ad nauseam.

So you can tune in any time you want, and with the most basic of character knowledge, you'll know exactly what's going on. It is *not* surprising when Jack pulls his gun on his best mate, cos that happens every 11 minutes. It is *not* intense when it turns out someone in CTU is a double agent, cos they seem to just employ psychotics off the street who will commit high treason willy-nilly if "jack says so" - mostly when he's just pulled his gun on *everyone*.

"pass the sugar, jack" *draws gun* "I'm sorry but I have to do this" 

"can I have a cigarette, jack?" *draws gun* "I'm sorry but I have to do this"

"Oh look! Two for one offers on biscuits!" *draws gun* "I'm sorry but I have to do this"

"Loose Cannon" just doesn't cut it with jack. CTU seem content to continue to employ a complete lunatic, who instinctively trusts the worst kinds of double agents and traitors, actively encourages constant sedition, shoots *heroin* ffs, and can actually raise himself from the dead. Does that strike you as a "combat asset"?

Also, the main way to tell how "tense" the show is by measuring Jacks Campness on a Gayometer. Nobody seems to notice that Jack's "hard but sensitive" smouldering, 4x4 driving, mobile phone hogging, president calling (would you not - in fairness - block that number?) is actually camper than Graham Norton...

"Mister President! I have a big, big secret and you have to promise not to tell *anyone*, okay? Now, I've told Stephen and Ken, so they know, okay? But like, I totally haven't told John, Adam, or Richard because like, they are *such* bitches. Will you promise, mister president? It is like, *so* important... is your wife there? Oh my god you just *have* to leave her mister president. You like, *so* can't trust her. I'm your real friend mister president. I would like, totally *die* for you and stuff. You are like, the *best* president. This is like, such an *honour*"

And then he'll have to "go dark"... ahem. Okay Jack, you've beaten up and threatened a random selection of friends and foes, a few nukes have gone missing here and there, viruses, you fucking *name* it... and you're turning your phone off?

You shouldn't be shot on sight *at all* - we should send your similarly useless best mate out to whack you on the back of the head so that in the middle of some office gossip about who;s fucking who, you can pull the old *pulls gun* "I'm sorry but I have to do this"

Okay, we'll just wait for you to show up somewhere. You're not worrying us at all, you crack smoking lunatic. Next time you accidentally shoot the chinese ambassador or Nuke LA... we'll cover for you. And that selection of fistfuckers that work for you? Hell, what's procedure between friends? The words "top secret" and "restricted highly expensive government resources"... ah, that's just stuff we like to say. Call 'em on their mobiles which we *don't even monitor*. Ask them to divert a batallion of navy seals to pick up your shopping. 

We love you, Jack. 

And as a final note... CTU. No fucking *wonder* the war on terror is so damned expensive, with everyone using macs with 57 90" monitors, on glass desks, in a discotheque. No wonder it's so damn unproductive, too, when you can walk in off the street and say "err... my name is steve not-a-terrorist, I am here to deliver something that is not a bomb" and immediately gain access to a server room that seems capable of remote controlling every satellite in US airspace. You have about 45 minutes before the screen splits into 4, and someone goes "wait a minute... Steve Not-A-Terrorist? Isn't he... a terrorist?"

Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...

Oh and last off all... why does everyone in CTU dress like some kind of corporate sex addict?

I actually have to give this two ratings: 

two and a half closetcases for drama

seven and a half carry on films for sheer camp hilarity